Friday, August 18, 2017

How the "never again!!" conversations go

Brain: Get up. She'll be here any minute.

Body: But it feels so good to lie here on the floor.

Brain: You should probably login too and be productive before she gets here.

Body: But the floor... maybe I could just sneak in a nap.

Brain: Also you were going to clean.

Body: But the floor...

Brain: You should at least text her to tell her you're home.

Body: But I live here now, on the floor. It's glorious. I'm never getting up. 

Brain: FINE!! We are NEVER inviting anyone over after work again.

Body: Yay!!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

But how DO you tell someone you have herpes? (a lesson in NOT clicking links)

So, someone wrote into an advice column that they discovered they had herpes and wondered what to do now that they were dating. They wanted permission not to tell anyone because, after all, they were only having casual sex, so why bother letting anyone know? (Yes, that is absolutely horrid, but I've ceased being surprised by terrible people ever since this last election.)

Well, I got sucked into the article and the comments and someone replied with a link to an article called "HOW TO TELL SOMEONE YOU HAVE HERPES." I thought, huh, that sounds interesting, how DO you tell someone you have herpes?

So I clicked on it, read the article and went back to work.

Later I realized FUCK. That was on my WORK. COMPUTER.  Now the entire IT Department will think I have herpes. Great.

I'll bring in brownies and they'll be all "oh, don't touch those, that girl with the open sores made them."

::facepalm::

My only defense is weak. When I am ACTUALLY researching a disease I think I have, I SCOUR the fucking internet for hours. Not one click. But imagine trying to explain that!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Overheard negotiation tactics

"My rate for handling your dysfunctional relative would be overtime plus one bottle of vodka an hour. If we're bringing in MY dysfunctional relative on top of that, the rate would be 2 bottles of vodka an hour, plus ER costs."


Thursday, August 10, 2017

"We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun" is the exact moment when I broke.

This is from a Craigslist ad where someone is seeking a partner to consummate the eclipse with. 


Hilarious Craigslist ad for eclipse sex partner--with response from comedian Leigh Anne Jasheway in caps:

...

I have some questions (IN CAPS) about this guy's ad on Craigslist: "Wanted woman who wants to conceive child during totality eclipse in OR"

I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure. WHAT PART OF EUROPE? 'CUZ IF IT'S SWITZERLAND, WE'RE IN FOR THE CHOCOLATE ALONE. HOWEVER, IN ADDITION TO AN STD TEST, WE (THE WOMEN LAUGHING AT THIS AD) WILL NEED YOU TO SUBMIT TO A DNA TEST TO CONFIRM PURITY AND A SPERM OBSTACLE COURSE TO TEST STRENGTH.

My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal. CAN YOUR LOOKS THEMSELVES KILL? IF NOT, COUNT US OUT. SOME OF US CAN ROLL OUR EYES AND KNOCK OUT A FLEET OF PIRATE SHIPS.

I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me - to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon. HOW WILL YOU DETERMINE WORTHINESS? IS IT A BUZZFEED QUIZ? WE WILL WANT TO DETERMINE YOUR WORTHINESS BY EXAMINING THE FOLLOWING: ARREST RECORD, FACEBOOK POSTS, LIQUOR STORE RECEIPTS, AND DETAILED INTERVIEW WITH YOUR MOTHER IN WHOSE BASEMENT YOU CLEARLY HAVE LIVED FOR A WHILE.

Exact place not set. WE NEED SPECIFICS, CUZ WE'RE NOT DOING IT IN A CAR NEXT TO A LANDFILL.

If we have chemistry, I would like for us to make love while the eclipse is happening. WE HAVE A CHEMISTRY SET, BUT ONE OF THE TEST TUBES BROKE AND THE MICROSCOPE LENS IS SCRATCHED. CAN BRING A PERIODIC TABLE TO MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE. ALSO IN CASE WE'RE ON OUR PERIOD.

When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution. WHAT IF OUR ORGASMS ARE OFF BY .04 SECONDS? WILL THAT SCREW UP THE NEXT LEVEL OF HUMAN EVOLUTION AND CAUSE US TO GO BACK TO WEARING TOGAS AND WORSHIPING 4300 GODS?

We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun. HAVE YOU CALCULATED THE ANGLE OF YOUR PENIS YET? MOST MEN LIST RIGHT OR LEFT. WE WILL NEED TO SEE HAND-DRAWINGS WITH SPECIFIC ANGLES LABELED. PLEASE USE A PROTRACTOR.

Everything will be aligned in the local universe. WHAT LOCAL UNIVERSE? THE PORTLAND UNIVERSE IS UNIVERSALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE ROSEBURG UNIVERSE FOR EXAMPLE. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets. ALL THE PLANETS? IS YOUR PENIS THAT FLEXIBLE? ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love... OKAY, WE'RE OUT. WE EXPECT OUR MOMENTS OF ECSTASY TO BE LONGER THAN 'BRIEF' IF WE'RE GOING TO CREATE A NEW UNIVERSE.

You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me. HOW ARE CATS INVOLVED? IT IS NOT OKAY TO GIVE CATS NITROUS OXIDE! IN TOTALITY, WE'VE REPORTED YOU TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY.

(Sent from my phone)

Sunday, August 6, 2017

When you're feeling antisocial at a social event...

So, I'm awkwardly standing on the food line at a birthday party, wishing I was anywhere else (it's been a rough week) and not knowing anyone except the guy I dragged with me when a man walked up, cut in front of me and then motioned with his chin. "Mimi's over there."

"Um, excuse me?"

"She's over there."

I didn't recognize this man in the slightest, but he seemed to feel this was very important information.

I was half-tempted to nod and say, "oh thanks" just to make the interaction stop but then I realized this might lead to a conversation with "Mimi" which would interfere with the escape plans I was hatching.

"I'm so sorry, but I don't recognize you," I finally sputtered, annoyed that I was being forced into a conversation against my will. Goddammit, why can't I be antisocial at a social event? The universe always conspires against me.

"Oh," he said, shrugging. He offered no further explanation.

An awkward silence hung between us for a beat.

I broke. "What's your name?" I asked, trying to be somewhat cordial.

"I'm Tim," he said.

There was no indication that I should have known this, so I suddenly became curious. Why did Tim announce Mimi's whereabouts? The mission had turned from avoiding meeting "Mimi" to finding out if they somehow knew me and I had just forgotten. I mean, people can be very forgettable sometimes so it could have happened.

"Did you recognize me?" I asked.

"Oh, no," he said, shaking his head.

WHYYYY did he approach me? Why did he think I would know (or care) about Mimi? So many questions! But I was grateful the interaction had finally died its slow, awkward death so I said nothing, and got myself a plate.

Monday, July 31, 2017

The circle of life and mixed-use condominiums

I don't know these people, but this is from an exchange I saw on a closed forum about the plight of birds smashing into glass buildings. I <3 that last comment so much. (And wtf is wrong with people?)

I am copying this word-for-word.
Person A: In my two years here I've seen a stunned cardinal and a dead goldfinch, one unidentifiable bird being eaten by a squirrel, and this morning a robin. I saw the robin strike the research room window, land with a thud on the patio, and witnessed its final movements. I also suspect that the broken pane on the third floor was caused by one of the red-tailed hawks who frequent our roof. That or someone on the golf course has a wicked slice.

Idiot B: Survival of the fittest...lolololol. I've seen our fox chomp down his fair share of birds and I've seen the turkey vultures devouring whatever they can get their beaks on. Tis the circle of life. Ugly but true

Hero C: Ah yes, who can forget Mufasa's lesson to Simba on the circle of life as he was crushed to death by an earth mover doing the excavation work for a new mixed use condominium.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Lovers in a past life (funny quote)

Ha! "You meet someone and you're sure you were lovers in a past life. After two weeks with them, you realize why you haven't kept in touch for the last two thousand years." Al Cleathen

Sunday, July 2, 2017

I should submit this to that awkward family photo blog

I just stumbled across this gem from my childhood which makes me wonder, what was the conversation my parents had before putting this on me? Had they just finished reading "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" and now wanted to try the principles out on their daughter? Did they repurpose a tablecloth or curtains? So many questions.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Appetizer math

"If we have ten people over, we'll need FIVE shrimp rings."

"Let's just not have ten people over."

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

This is why brownies are never brought into the office in the original serving pan.

How to make brownies, by H.:

1. Get home from work, immediately turn on oven and start assembling ingredients for tomorrow's baking contest. Decide dinner will be finished sample. Allow self to be pleased at superior problem-solving skills on reducing kitchen mess.

2. Hmm, recipe says to use flour. I don't have flour but I do have pancake mix. That's basically the same thing, right?

3. Put down whisk mid-stir, swipe phone and open FitBit app to see if stirring batter added any extra steps.

4. In moment of brilliance, decide to invent brownie crisps. Spread thin sliver of batter across pan and bake. Fantasize about owning bakery and then conglomerate and then going on Undercover Boss and gift-paying hardworking staff's tuition like the CEO lady from Cinnabon.

5. Forget to check timer. Decide that batch was *meant* to be well-done.

6. A proper cook must taste the outcome to decide whether the results are suitable. Of course.

7. Results are suitable. Cook two more pans.

8. Realize too late that although the brownies look and taste acceptable, they cannot be removed from pan. Major fail for bakery business. Scoop heaps of crumbling squares into tin and try to arrange attractively. Fantasize about burning bakery down.

9. Embrace concept of imperfection. Taste another sample to ensure quality control.

10. Done! Resist urge to label the suggested serving size as a fistful. Check FitBit to see how many steps it took to take all those pans out of the oven. Workout is done. Eat dinner. Multi-tasking win!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Dr. Google and the slide towards imminent death (and wrong diagnosis)

Somehow I have a big lump in an unmentionable place. It's south of the border, small and round and sore, almost like a tiny tumor. I have been worrying about it ever since its discovery. It's definitely not supposed to be there.

Definitely a sign of imminent death.

Or an STD.

But I haven't seen any new penises since I was last tested for STDs, ages ago.

I turned to Dr Google who exclaims, in full pictorial horror, that "Bartholin's Gland Cysts" happens to old people so I've just confirmed that it's part of the inevitable slide towards my demise.

I texted my sister, next, a nurse. She tried to reassure me. "It's common."

"How long do they last?"

"Forever."

Great.

I waited until my cubicle neighbors left for their coffee break and called my gynecologist for an appointment. "I have a lump down there" I said as three people marched back into the office. Fuck! Of all the days not to take the usual twenty minutes.

A few hours later, I found myself in stirrups, wide open, dignity back in the waiting room.

Doc grabbed her magnifying glass.

"Oh I could see why you thought it was a Bartholin's gland cyst -- it's right near there. But no, it's just a big pimple. An infected follicle gland. You're fine."

A zit?? You're kidding me.

I went home and lanced it over the sink. I don't recommend this at home but I will just say yoga classes come in handy in the most unexpected ways..

Thursday, April 13, 2017

"Sorry your mom died several months ago, here's some strawberries." <-- what my condolence note may as well have said.

Today I was looking over my credit card statement and noticed a charge for "Linus & Gwen*, sweet treats, $48" for 2 days ago.

Hmm, I remember taking one of my favorite teenagers to get ice cream but I didn't think Baskin Robbins had a parent company, and I didn't think we spent almost 50 bucks. Who's Linus & Gwen?

I scrolled a bit and saw the ice cream charge confirming indeed, it was not that.

Where else did I go Tuesday? How could I have purchased almost $50 of sweets two days ago and not remember it? And where are the treats?! If I bought something delectable, there's zero evidence of it. I haven't gone foodshopping in nearly two weeks. There's NOTHING to eat in this house. I had to satisfy both my hunger and my sweet tooth last night with a vitamin D pill. There is no way I bought any goodies two days ago. Even if I had, $48 is an odd number. Occasional treats are usually only obtained in single servings.

It was such a mystery I called the store.

"Hi, I'm looking over my credit card statement and I see a charge from your company, can you tell me more?"

"Sure! What's your telephone number? I'll look up your order."

I gave her all my info and she said, "yep, okay, it says here you ordered a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries."

Me: "What? When? Is this a subscription? I mean, I remember placing an order a few months ago but nothing recent."

Them: "Oh this order was placed Feb. 11, for delivery to your friends. It includes a condolence note."

Me: "OHMYGOD wait... you mean THIS is the order that was supposed to go to my friends after their MOM died? Why is it only going out now?"

Them: [cough] "Um, it's not going out now... it's scheduled to go out in two weeks. But that must be why the charge is appearing now."

Me [after checking my credit card statements to make sure I didn't pay for duplicate orders]: "I did NOT realize this wouldn't go out for months. Why didn't I get a note? Why wasn't there something that indicated the delay?"

Them: "There should have been..."

Me: "Well, I'm checking my email and my spam filter and everything and don't see it. If there is a notification, it needs to happen at the time of the order and be more obvious. I can't imagine how I would have glossed over that."

Them: "Sorry. Hey, we have white chocolate truffles on sale for 42% off, would you like to order some?"

Me: [Wanting to say "AYFKM, what, so I can have it in 3 months??"]

Anyway I told the woman I wasn't trying to be a difficult customer, but this was a pretty big deal. My gift was supposed to express sympathy after a loss. I didn't want to send JUST a card which so I sent something sweet. Meanwhile, as far as my friends knew, I never even acknowledged their mother's death. Also, I sent something to everyone else in the family (from another company) making the omission even more obvious. So no, I'm not buying white chocolate truffles!

I eventually talked to a customer service supervisor who apologized profusely and reimbursed shipping (yay?). But wow, the next time people die and I need to acknowledge it, no strawberries!

*Name changed to protect the company's privacy.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Favorite rejection lines from TV

1. "I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure Center of your cerebral cortex has been overstimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship." House, MD


2. "I'm sorry but I can't date because I'm changing into another species." Star Trek

Monday, March 6, 2017

Sausage Party

I saw this in the store the other day and OMG this is a real thing?? It's a movie? I thought friends made this up! I chuckled when invited to a sausage party potluck some years ago. I had to cut a picnic date short and cheerfully told my date (now my husband), "Sorry I have to go, I'm due at a sausage party tonight."

No wonder he looked at me like that. Ha!! It was only our second date. I'm so glad there was a third.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Friend explains why he doesn't want to be a counselor

Here's me as a couples therapist:

Wife: He never pays attention to me. He always goes golfing.

Husband: She never wants to have sex. She's always complaining.

Me: [gunshot to head]

Wife: You should call an ambulance.

Husband: Stop bossing me around.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

This, too, may be behind the scenes at your local fast food joint

Friends: "We are so happy and learning much English but please help us, there is one word we do not understand."

Me: "Sure! What word?"

Friends: "Makeita."

Me: "What??"

Friends: "Makeita."

Me: "Um, can you say that again? I don't recognize it."

Friends (trying again):"Makeita."

Me: "Um, still doesn't sound familiar. Can you tell me the context? How are people using it?"

Friends: "They come to the drive through and they say 'Makeita #5' or "Makeita #1 with large fries."

Me: "Ohhh! They are saying 'Make it a'...!"