Friday, August 18, 2017
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Well, I got sucked into the article and the comments and someone replied with a link to an article called "HOW TO TELL SOMEONE YOU HAVE HERPES." I thought, huh, that sounds interesting, how DO you tell someone you have herpes?
So I clicked on it, read the article and went back to work.
Later I realized FUCK. That was on my WORK. COMPUTER. Now the entire IT Department will think I have herpes. Great.
I'll bring in brownies and they'll be all "oh, don't touch those, that girl with the open sores made them."
My only defense is weak. When I am ACTUALLY researching a disease I think I have, I SCOUR the fucking internet for hours. Not one click. But imagine trying to explain that!
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
"My rate for handling your dysfunctional relative would be overtime plus one bottle of vodka an hour. If we're bringing in MY dysfunctional relative on top of that, the rate would be 2 bottles of vodka an hour, plus ER costs."
Thursday, August 10, 2017
"We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun" is the exact moment when I broke.
This is from a Craigslist ad where someone is seeking a partner to consummate the eclipse with.
(Sent from my phone)
Sunday, August 6, 2017
"Um, excuse me?"
"She's over there."
I didn't recognize this man in the slightest, but he seemed to feel this was very important information.
I was half-tempted to nod and say, "oh thanks" just to make the interaction stop but then I realized this might lead to a conversation with "Mimi" which would interfere with the escape plans I was hatching.
"I'm so sorry, but I don't recognize you," I finally sputtered, annoyed that I was being forced into a conversation against my will. Goddammit, why can't I be antisocial at a social event? The universe always conspires against me.
"Oh," he said, shrugging. He offered no further explanation.
An awkward silence hung between us for a beat.
I broke. "What's your name?" I asked, trying to be somewhat cordial.
"I'm Tim," he said.
There was no indication that I should have known this, so I suddenly became curious. Why did Tim announce Mimi's whereabouts? The mission had turned from avoiding meeting "Mimi" to finding out if they somehow knew me and I had just forgotten. I mean, people can be very forgettable sometimes so it could have happened.
"Did you recognize me?" I asked.
"Oh, no," he said, shaking his head.
WHYYYY did he approach me? Why did he think I would know (or care) about Mimi? So many questions! But I was grateful the interaction had finally died its slow, awkward death so I said nothing, and got myself a plate.
Monday, July 31, 2017
I am copying this word-for-word.
Person A: In my two years here I've seen a stunned cardinal and a dead goldfinch, one unidentifiable bird being eaten by a squirrel, and this morning a robin. I saw the robin strike the research room window, land with a thud on the patio, and witnessed its final movements. I also suspect that the broken pane on the third floor was caused by one of the red-tailed hawks who frequent our roof. That or someone on the golf course has a wicked slice.
Idiot B: Survival of the fittest...lolololol. I've seen our fox chomp down his fair share of birds and I've seen the turkey vultures devouring whatever they can get their beaks on. Tis the circle of life. Ugly but true
Hero C: Ah yes, who can forget Mufasa's lesson to Simba on the circle of life as he was crushed to death by an earth mover doing the excavation work for a new mixed use condominium.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
1. Get home from work, immediately turn on oven and start assembling ingredients for tomorrow's baking contest. Decide dinner will be finished sample. Allow self to be pleased at superior problem-solving skills on reducing kitchen mess.
2. Hmm, recipe says to use flour. I don't have flour but I do have pancake mix. That's basically the same thing, right?
3. Put down whisk mid-stir, swipe phone and open FitBit app to see if stirring batter added any extra steps.
4. In moment of brilliance, decide to invent brownie crisps. Spread thin sliver of batter across pan and bake. Fantasize about owning bakery and then conglomerate and then going on Undercover Boss and gift-paying hardworking staff's tuition like the CEO lady from Cinnabon.
5. Forget to check timer. Decide that batch was *meant* to be well-done.
6. A proper cook must taste the outcome to decide whether the results are suitable. Of course.
7. Results are suitable. Cook two more pans.
8. Realize too late that although the brownies look and taste acceptable, they cannot be removed from pan. Major fail for bakery business. Scoop heaps of crumbling squares into tin and try to arrange attractively. Fantasize about burning bakery down.
9. Embrace concept of imperfection. Taste another sample to ensure quality control.
10. Done! Resist urge to label the suggested serving size as a fistful. Check FitBit to see how many steps it took to take all those pans out of the oven. Workout is done. Eat dinner. Multi-tasking win!
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Definitely a sign of imminent death.
Or an STD.
But I haven't seen any new penises since I was last tested for STDs, ages ago.
I turned to Dr Google who exclaims, in full pictorial horror, that "Bartholin's Gland Cysts" happens to old people so I've just confirmed that it's part of the inevitable slide towards my demise.
I texted my sister, next, a nurse. She tried to reassure me. "It's common."
"How long do they last?"
I waited until my cubicle neighbors left for their coffee break and called my gynecologist for an appointment. "I have a lump down there" I said as three people marched back into the office. Fuck! Of all the days not to take the usual twenty minutes.
A few hours later, I found myself in stirrups, wide open, dignity back in the waiting room.
Doc grabbed her magnifying glass.
"Oh I could see why you thought it was a Bartholin's gland cyst -- it's right near there. But no, it's just a big pimple. An infected follicle gland. You're fine."
A zit?? You're kidding me.
I went home and lanced it over the sink. I don't recommend this at home but I will just say yoga classes come in handy in the most unexpected ways..
Thursday, April 13, 2017
"Sorry your mom died several months ago, here's some strawberries." <-- what my condolence note may as well have said.
Hmm, I remember taking one of my favorite teenagers to get ice cream but I didn't think Baskin Robbins had a parent company, and I didn't think we spent almost 50 bucks. Who's Linus & Gwen?
I scrolled a bit and saw the ice cream charge confirming indeed, it was not that.
Where else did I go Tuesday? How could I have purchased almost $50 of sweets two days ago and not remember it? And where are the treats?! If I bought something delectable, there's zero evidence of it. I haven't gone foodshopping in nearly two weeks. There's NOTHING to eat in this house. I had to satisfy both my hunger and my sweet tooth last night with a vitamin D pill. There is no way I bought any goodies two days ago. Even if I had, $48 is an odd number. Occasional treats are usually only obtained in single servings.
It was such a mystery I called the store.
"Hi, I'm looking over my credit card statement and I see a charge from your company, can you tell me more?"
"Sure! What's your telephone number? I'll look up your order."
I gave her all my info and she said, "yep, okay, it says here you ordered a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries."
Me: "What? When? Is this a subscription? I mean, I remember placing an order a few months ago but nothing recent."
Them: "Oh this order was placed Feb. 11, for delivery to your friends. It includes a condolence note."
Me: "OHMYGOD wait... you mean THIS is the order that was supposed to go to my friends after their MOM died? Why is it only going out now?"
Them: [cough] "Um, it's not going out now... it's scheduled to go out in two weeks. But that must be why the charge is appearing now."
Me [after checking my credit card statements to make sure I didn't pay for duplicate orders]: "I did NOT realize this wouldn't go out for months. Why didn't I get a note? Why wasn't there something that indicated the delay?"
Them: "There should have been..."
Me: "Well, I'm checking my email and my spam filter and everything and don't see it. If there is a notification, it needs to happen at the time of the order and be more obvious. I can't imagine how I would have glossed over that."
Them: "Sorry. Hey, we have white chocolate truffles on sale for 42% off, would you like to order some?"
Me: [Wanting to say "AYFKM, what, so I can have it in 3 months??"]
Anyway I told the woman I wasn't trying to be a difficult customer, but this was a pretty big deal. My gift was supposed to express sympathy after a loss. I didn't want to send JUST a card which so I sent something sweet. Meanwhile, as far as my friends knew, I never even acknowledged their mother's death. Also, I sent something to everyone else in the family (from another company) making the omission even more obvious. So no, I'm not buying white chocolate truffles!
I eventually talked to a customer service supervisor who apologized profusely and reimbursed shipping (yay?). But wow, the next time people die and I need to acknowledge it, no strawberries!
*Name changed to protect the company's privacy.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
1. "I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure Center of your cerebral cortex has been overstimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship." House, MD
2. "I'm sorry but I can't date because I'm changing into another species." Star Trek
Monday, March 6, 2017
No wonder he looked at me like that. Ha!! It was only our second date. I'm so glad there was a third.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Wife: He never pays attention to me. He always goes golfing.
Husband: She never wants to have sex. She's always complaining.
Me: [gunshot to head]
Wife: You should call an ambulance.
Husband: Stop bossing me around.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Me: "Sure! What word?"
Me: "Um, can you say that again? I don't recognize it."
Friends (trying again):"Makeita."
Me: "Um, still doesn't sound familiar. Can you tell me the context? How are people using it?"
Friends: "They come to the drive through and they say 'Makeita #5' or "Makeita #1 with large fries."
Me: "Ohhh! They are saying 'Make it a'...!"