Thursday, March 11, 2021
Monday, February 22, 2021
BFF: "And then on Thursday, we can go TUBING!!"
BFF: "Yes! It will be so fun! The water's so warm."
Me: "In the ocean?"
BFF: "No, silly, in a river. It's super cool."
Me: "Um... isn't that where the alligators are?"
I should pause here and mention that my favorite hobby is assessing risk. I'm hyper aware of any predators in the environment at any time and my first thought, when I think "ocean" is "oh no, that is the SHARK'S house. NOPE."
Me: "Isn't that dangerous?"BFF: "Nah, people do it ALL the time."Me: Are you SURE it's safe? I mean...
Saturday, January 30, 2021
I was at the doctor’s office recently and saw this sign in the restroom:
It says, “SUPPORT BAR NOT STABLE.” (Why have a support bar that can’t support? But I digress.)
Anyway, the sign is obviously unecessary, as the support bar has already been ripped out of the wall. They can take the sign down now…
Sunday, April 26, 2020
|Credit: Classical Art Memes|
|The apocalypse: idea vs. execution. The dude lives!|
Still, this has been quite an unexpected start to 2020.
Half of the exhaustion and weariness we're all experiencing is not knowing how the future will pan out.
I mean, none of us ever really KNOW, but this is a reality many have faced before the virus even hit. Struggles with illness, disability, stress, food and financial insecurity, loneliness, all of these things are now more illuminated. And it's HARD.
|So... you want to speak to the manager of Coronavirus?|
And (some) policies are changing...
Nature is healing a bit, too. Air pollution is down and animals are spreading out.
Some countries are doing better at providing help for their citizens, like Canada. The U.S. has sent a one-time payment of $1200 which barely covers one month's rent for most.
But other bills are being introduced and hopefully more help will be available soon. In the meantime, let's play COVID-19 Bingo!
So, when the new coronavirus guidelines were first announced, all the toilet paper in the region disappeared. Like, GONE. It was impossible to find.
|Actual photo of my local supermarket's toilet paper aisle.|
The boxes are completely empty.
I know one can get creative when one must:
But I still resorted to buying toilet paper online (after discovering all the local stores were out). The only place with any inventory was a company that supplied hotel chains. The smallest pack available was a 96-roll box. FINE. We ordered it. It took 3 weeks but it finally arrived:
|Let me know if you need some.|
I tried to relieve stress by baking, like the rest of the country, except I don't understand complicated recipe terminology like "baking powder" and "baking soda" so I used pancake mix. I somehow managed to turn chocolate chip cookies, the easiest and most delicious cookie flavor on the planet, into revolting little bricks of salted butter. Whatever. I'm more of an eater than a chef anyway.
|Who doesn't want a stronger, more delicious super cereal?|
Still, I've been trying to settle into a routine.
Dressing for the day has never been easier.
|Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas |
and put your night pajamas on.
|The most unused household item during Quarantine 2020: Bras.|
It's still good to mix up the scenery a bit and get around.
|Feeling cute. Might go to the couch later.|
At night before bed, I like to read up on the virus just to get extra relaxed before drifting off to sleep.
|Satufrituesday at 3:08 AM in quarantine|
I don't totally understand why it seems to have been so hard to communicate risks with this pandemic but I guess society hasn't exactly been a shining example of well-informed critical thinking.
People don't always seem to understand why they have to stay home.
Maybe we need better strategies.
If you can see what's on this mask, you are too close!
And so is everyone else:
|"Exercising and eating healthy are super important!"|
"I haven't eaten my young, Molly, what do you want from me?"
A lot has changed, however. Dating must be even more difficult now:
Meetings are too:
The animals must miss us:
Stay healthy, as much as possible, everyone. Don't let stress get in the way of self-care.
Hang in there!
Friday, February 28, 2020
A toilet is the most boring and overwhelming thing I’ve ever shopped for. EVER.
Replacing one is a rite of passage; one of life's middle-aged hazing rituals. Toilets are not vague about their retirement. When it's time, you KNOW. It told you, and not in a nice way.
I set out to educate myself, learning as much as I could about water tanks and wax rings and... promptly fell asleep. There is no better cure for insomnia than scanning 8,412 results on Home Depot.
Who knew there were so many choices? There are one-piece toilets, two-piece toilets, touchless toilets, water saving toilets, and wall-mounted thrones. There are even composting commodes.
Then there’s shape.
Small bathroom? No problem, get a compact.
Want the luxury of kicking back with the morning paper? Go for the luxurious elongated bowl.
Selling your house in a buyer’s market? A square bowl will ensure your home stands out.
Yearning to feel like you’re in a fancy hotel? Go for the bidet.
The options are dizzying. You will need help.
I decided on only one essential requirement: flushing ability.
It’s the only function that cannot be compromised. What goes in must go down.
This is where I discovered the vast array of toilet review videos on YouTube.
Did you know that there are people who are extremely passionate about toilet flushing? They compose lengthy and detailed video reviews, demonstrating myriad objects in the flushing process.
You could spend hours watching golf balls, peanut shells, various fruits, vegetables, and food disappear down the hatch if you wanted.
Size does matter: the larger the flapper, the more equipped to handle curious toddlers or vengeful fruitcake recipients. Also, don't forget to find something eco-friendly. Your new toilet should flush with the power of 1,000 black holes but not use a single drop more of water than necessary.
Companies name toilets like sewage superheros, relying on your imagination to instill confidence. These are all actual names of toilets:
- Niagara Stealth
- The Avalanche
- Champion 4
- The Tornado
Marketing teams don’t even try to mask their goal: inspire conviction that whatever ungodly avalanche might be offered, the toilet will rise to the challenge. The Tornado will obliterate everything in its path. The Titan will not let you down!
This was not a do-it-yourself decision. At least not for our household.
I gave up and called a plumber. Honestly, I was just happy to find someone who would haul 75 pounds of porcelain up two flights of stairs, hook it up and make the old one disappear.
For an extra $125, we could add a "soft-close" seat, invented for the express purpose of "avoiding injury," as the plumber described. I'm not sure how people are using toilets that they become injured in this scenario, but he seemed to think it was a valuable upgrade.
No thanks. I’m confident in our household’s continued ability to raise and lower the toilet seat without trips to the emergency room. But now we must decide, get the option that can swallow a dozen banana peels or flush 50 crayons?? These are the questions that could keep me up at night, if they weren't also putting me to sleep!
Sunday, December 1, 2019
1. Burn your house down.
2. Move to a brand new house in the dryest spot in the country.
3. It must have only wooden floors, wooden or plastic furniture, and not a single plush object that dust mites may find appealing.
4. Make sure that whatever fabric is present is SO tightly woven that nothing larger than 10 microns can fit through it in order to cut down on dust mites and their “by-products” from infiltrating it (hello, vinyl bedding, curtains, and clothes).
5. Vacuum 5x a day with a HEPA filter vacuum while wearing a special breathing mask, but preferably your hired help can do this instead with all the money you have leftover after relocating and buying all new things.
4. Make sure every environment you’re ever in from now on has the same level of sanitization and sparse comfort.
These are impossible standards, of course. A much more realistic course is to just make friends with your new family.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
It was Friday and everyone had bolted early for the weekend. I love when the office gets quiet even if it does feel somewhat haunted. I can drown out ghost vibes with laser focus and was in a happy, productive groove when a new, unanticipated problem suddenly presented itself.
I planned to stay late but I had not planned to be hungry.
(Now you know where my logo comes from.)
This new information (that I was about to die due to limited caloric intake) presented itself instantly, as it always does.
There is never a “lead in” to starvation.
Sleep comes on slowly and allows one to adapt to increasing drowsiness at a leisurely pace, leaving enough time to crawl into bed. Thirst also creeps up sluggishly.
But not hunger.
Hunger ambushes you into a perilous hostage situation.
The need to eat at regular intervals, despite being fairly predictable, escaped me. I had a hearty lunch and somehow this registered as never needing food again.
I started searching my cubicle for snacks but only found mouthwash and ibuprofen.
Not even a stray soy sauce packet! The entire space was a wasteland.
Now, there ARE vending machines in the building but they were several floors away and I didn't want to sneak past the guards on the way back with fistfuls of cheetohs as my bounty.
This was becoming a terrible dilemma.
Suddenly, with the razor-sharp instincts of a malnourished hyena in the middle of a long, bleak arctic winter, I remembered…
Two weeks ago someone brought a gigantic cookie the size of a pizza pie to the office Halloween party. Slices had been energetically carved off since then and it was mostly decimated but earlier I passed by the tray and noticed that not only was it still there, it WASN’T EMPTY.
A sliver of cookie was still left!
That would be JUST enough nourishment to sustain life for one more hour until I could escape and find real food.
Have you ever seen Naked and Afraid? If a single mealworm could save somebody's life, that cookie sliver could save mine.
I knew what I had to do.
Office parties are like shipwrecks. Free food is immediately decimated by the nearby wildlife. The North American Colleague is a voracious and vigilant creature. But somehow a single shard of confectionary goodness survived.
There was no way to tell, however, if the tray been closed properly in between feedings. This could be bad news, as we have mice at night.
Bravely fending off my demise required a quick calculation between life and one of TWO imminent deaths:
- Either DON’T eat the cookie, and die of starvation, or
- EAT the cookie, and die of hantavirus.
I decided there had to be a third option.
- MICROWAVE the cookie to disinfect it from the myriad invisible mouse germs that must inevitably be blanketing it.
Alas, I overestimated.
White smoke began pouring out of the microwave door like I had set off a volcanic reaction. I was positive this meant the cookie was on fire. I cracked open the door to check and more smoke billowed out. I panicked and tore out of the kitchen looking for help.
Since this story started with the spoiler that the building did NOT, in fact, burn down, I’ll fast forward a bit.
A guard came and saved my life, the building AND all the cheetohs in the vending machines. (I know, right? Miraculous!)
No one was injured from smoke inhalation, the charred cookie remains did NOT get a second chance to burn the building down by flaming up in the the trash can (thank goodness to a hearty soak in water), and your heroine slunk out of the building in shame, narrowly escaping starvation.
I lived to tell the story and even awkwardly learn to draw using my toes. (Just kidding, it only LOOKS like that. Trackpads make clumsy drawing pads.)