Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Friend explains why he doesn't want to be a counselor

Here's me as a couples therapist:

Wife: He never pays attention to me. He always goes golfing.

Husband: She never wants to have sex. She's always complaining.

Me: [gunshot to head]

Wife: You should call an ambulance.

Husband: Stop bossing me around.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

This, too, may be behind the scenes at your local fast food joint

Friends: "We are so happy and learning much English but please help us, there is one word we do not understand."

Me: "Sure! What word?"

Friends: "Makeita."

Me: "What??"

Friends: "Makeita."

Me: "Um, can you say that again? I don't recognize it."

Friends (trying again):"Makeita."

Me: "Um, still doesn't sound familiar. Can you tell me the context? How are people using it?"

Friends: "They come to the drive through and they say 'Makeita #5' or "Makeita #1 with large fries."

Me: "Ohhh! They are saying 'Make it a'...!"

Friday, December 23, 2016

Visiting

"How's the bed?"

"Fine."

(Almost said, "Don't mind the delivery from Mattress Warehouse, just have them send it right in here. G'nite!")

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Questionable food choices as revealed by rural vending machines

You see the strangest things in rural rest stations. Just passed a vending machine in North Carolina and we have:

-- Vienna sausages in a can topped with Starburst for dessert. Who put these things together? Is this a trendy culinary pairing I've somehow never heard about?

-- Giant iced honeybun which is larger than the circumference of my face and should not be attempted to eat after leaving a rest station, because the next rest station is 100 miles away and you'll need one 10 minutes after ingesting.

-- A dill pickle. I tried one in a theater once. It's a great way to make friends. It took 10 minutes just to extract it from the package (which cannot be done quietly) until it exploded like a vinegar bomb and sprayed sour pickle juice all over me and also within a 3-row radius and I still had 87 minutes of movie left. It doesn't seem like the soundest choice for a road trip, unless of course, you are alone.

-- Tuna sandwich. The only time I ever got food poisoning from a vending machine was during a terrible lapse of judgement when I was on a deadline and starving at 9pm and decided to trust a turkey snack pack. So that's never happening again.

-- Not pictured but you can eat your weight in fake Oreos for $1.25 if you so desired.

The array of choices is boundless!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Speaking in codes, or, another post from the files of Awkward Woman

"Here's some pix from tonight. Thanks for everything!"

That was my code for "thanks for not minding when you said that nice thing earlier and I burst into tears when a normal person would have just said 'thanks'!"



Monday, November 28, 2016

You're welcome

I'm a good friend.

Friend: I may have to get nasal surgery. Please research?

Me: Looks fine. Just make sure they don't cut too deep and let your spinal fluid out. Rare side effect. I'll send you some links.