-- If you ask me to sell MLM products on your behalf, you WILL get written about in my blog

Someone who obviously doesn't know I size up EVERYTHING that happens to me with a seriously critical eye approached me today on Facebook to host a virtual Pampered Chef "party." In their defense, we don't really know each other -- they're a friend of a friend -- but all the more reason not to ask me to buy stuff I don't need from you.

(For SEO purposes, I should put the words "Pampered Chef" in headline format so this article gets picked up in Google and word gets out that NO, no one needs anymore garlic presses. STAHP.

Pampered Chef

is annoying, and so is anyone who thinks they can make money off the 4 cents a sale they'll get through their tiresome, flimsy direct marketing schemes.

I should have seen it coming when I was auto-added to the last Pampered Chef party.

Getting auto-added to a group is irksome but it takes more energy to protest than completely ignore it, so that's what I did.

Every day I noticed the posts increasing in desperation as the host tried in vain to get people to respond. (Apparently everyone has the same technique I do.)

"HEY ladies, today is party time!! Check out the AMAZZINNNNNGGGG recipes you can make with your own slicer/gutter/corer/peeler/axer/dicer/chopper/grater/shaver and it will even renew your driver's license for you! Get it NOW!! Isn't this FUN???"

No, it is not fun. You are irritating.

Anyway, the "party" ended eventually, as all hells do, and everyone went on with life.

Today, this person approached me to ask if I would joyfully open my heart and help them offer their Pampered Chef products to the world at large, AKA my Facebook friend group. Would I please host a party for them??

Grating (haha get it?) Pampered Chef Party Parasite*: "Hey, would you like to help me host a PAMPERED CHEF party? You don't have to do anything but invite people!! It will be SO much fun."
(*Party Parasite: someone who's body has been taken over by a multi-level marketing life form who will not rest until they shake down every potential connection in hopes of a possible sale.)
Me, inside: "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Me, outside: "Oh no thanks, I'm not really a party person."
Them: "Well if you know anyone who might want to host for me, let me know!!"
Me, inside: "Are you fucking kidding me AGAIN?"
Me, outside: "Will do, take care."

In life, it is wise to always go for the interaction that requires the least amount of energy, especially as I don't know this person and no real interest in engaging.

If I were honest? This is how the conversation might have gone.

Them: "Hey, wanna host a FUN Pampered Chef parteeee for me?"
Inner, very unladylike me: "$&%#! no.  I can’t help you guilt people into buying kitchen shit so you can make 4 cents off a carrot peeler. Everyone I know is in their midlife anyway which means they have all the kitchen shit they’re ever going to need, unless they're in the middle of a divorce, in which case they're either not eating at all OR only have a need for a single plastic spoon with which to consume copious amounts of ice cream with, but they're most definitely NOT cooking."

Plus, I don't proselytize to my friends.

Why is this so hard to understand?

You have to respect what you're asking of people in life. Everyone's exhausted. It's bad enough you're asking them to fawn over the pizza you just had for lunch when you post it as a status update but now they gotta spend money too? Time and attention are in limited supply. Respect people's lives.

Someone else asked me if I would help them find a house to borrow for their wedding and many overnight guests. These are fantastic friends that I love very much. I want them to have the wedding of their dreams but that's really not something you can ask your friends on Facebook.

Proper things to ask around: "Hey, anyone know a good electrician?"
Improper things to ask around: "Anyone have a pancreas they're not using?"* 

Anyway. Please spread the word, apparently this is not obvious!

Also, don't even THINK about asking me about Mary Kay.

(Can I get that on a tee-shirt? It would have helped with that interaction...)

-- The Gram-Negative Rods: now on tour

Me, looking at the digital display on my sister's car stereo: "Ooh, the Gram-Negative Rods? I don't think I've heard of that band. Where are they from?"

My sis (a nurse), cracking up: "That's a lecture!"

This counts as a vegetable serving, right?

Commuting to DC from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio for a toothbrush: it's worth the $5!

Now that I’ve cycled through the five stages of loss and am past both the rage, denial, and bargaining stages, I can share my most recent experience trying to sell something online through Facebook.

So, the washer broke. We got a refund from the warranty company but it wasn’t enough to cover the cost of a new set. I was determined to minimize this expense by selling everything we didn’t need for $5 and topping off our cash stockpile by selling the dryer in a grand finale.

I managed to accumulate $7 (Woo!) until today, when the promise of another $5 dangled in front of me. I got several interested messages but all from folks in England.

That’s odd, I thought. I posted only in local yard sale groups. Why are people from Bristol and Cardiff messaging about a $5 toothbrush?

Ambitious schedule for a $5 toothbrush...

It turns out that Facebook now cares where you say you live, and you cannot override this with a measly old zip code like you used to. Silly me!

Anyway, jokes on me for saying I lived here:

Llanfairpwllgwnyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio, UK

But how could I NOT? That is the best name on the planet. But if the choice is $5 or obscuring my real town, pretty obvious what wins...