A toilet is the most boring and overwhelming thing I’ve ever shopped for. EVER.
Replacing one is a rite of passage; one of life's middle-aged hazing rituals. Toilets are not vague about their retirement. When it's time, you KNOW. It told you, and not in a nice way.
I set out to educate myself, learning as much as I could about water tanks and wax rings and... promptly fell asleep. There is no better cure for insomnia than scanning 8,412 results on Home Depot.
Who knew there were so many choices? There are one-piece toilets, two-piece toilets, touchless toilets, water saving toilets, and wall-mounted thrones. There are even composting commodes.
Then there’s shape.
Small bathroom? No problem, get a compact.
Want the luxury of kicking back with the morning paper? Go for the luxurious elongated bowl.
Selling your house in a buyer’s market? A square bowl will ensure your home stands out.
Yearning to feel like you’re in a fancy hotel? Go for the bidet.
The options are dizzying. You will need help.
I decided on only one essential requirement: flushing ability.
It’s the only function that cannot be compromised. What goes in must go down.
This is where I discovered the vast array of toilet review videos on YouTube.
Did you know that there are people who are extremely passionate about toilet flushing? They compose lengthy and detailed video reviews, demonstrating myriad objects in the flushing process.
You could spend hours watching golf balls, peanut shells, various fruits, vegetables, and food disappear down the hatch if you wanted.
Size does matter: the larger the flapper, the more equipped to handle curious toddlers or vengeful fruitcake recipients. Also, don't forget to find something eco-friendly. Your new toilet should flush with the power of 1,000 black holes but not use a single drop more of water than necessary.
Companies name toilets like sewage superheros, relying on your imagination to instill confidence. These are all actual names of toilets:
- Niagara Stealth
- The Avalanche
- Champion 4
- Titan
- The Tornado
Marketing teams don’t even try to mask their goal: inspire conviction that whatever ungodly avalanche might be offered, the toilet will rise to the challenge. The Tornado will obliterate everything in its path. The Titan will not let you down!
This was not a do-it-yourself decision. At least not for our household.
I gave up and called a plumber. Honestly, I was just happy to find someone who would haul 75 pounds of porcelain up two flights of stairs, hook it up and make the old one disappear.
For an extra $125, we could add a "soft-close" seat, invented for the express purpose of "avoiding injury," as the plumber described. I'm not sure how people are using toilets that they become injured in this scenario, but he seemed to think it was a valuable upgrade.
No thanks. I’m confident in our household’s continued ability to raise and lower the toilet seat without trips to the emergency room. But now we must decide, get the option that can swallow a dozen banana peels or flush 50 crayons?? These are the questions that could keep me up at night, if they weren't also putting me to sleep!
