Monday, November 28, 2016

You're welcome

I'm a good friend.

Friend: I may have to get nasal surgery. Please research?

Me: Looks fine. Just make sure they don't cut too deep and let your spinal fluid out. Rare side effect. I'll send you some links.

Monday, November 14, 2016

An entry from my diary a year ago today

1. Wake before dawn.

2. Run table at craft fair.

3. Run errands on way home, arrive home spent but everything is done!

4. Discover plumbing emergency.

5. Shut off water to the house.

6. Feel proud at mad homeowner skillz. I can turn a valve!

7. Feel relieved that the sound of rushing water in wall has dissipated.

8. Calmly call warranty company.

9. Calmly call plumber #1.

10. Slightly less calmly, call plumber #2.

11. Call plumber #3.

12. DOESN'T ANYONE WORK SATURDAY NIGHT

13. Oh, right... it's Saturday night...

14. Photograph water stains in downstairs neighbor's unit that are my fault.

15. Await confirmation from whichever plumber decides to show up.

16. Decide whether to spend the evening dirty and thirsty or go to a hotel.

17. Go to hotel. Put roommates up in separate room.

18. Fight with insurance company about paying for it.

Insurance company: "We only pay for the hotel if the house is uninhabitable, like it doesn't have running water or something like that."

Me: "It _doesn't_ have running water."

Insurance company: "Right, but that's because you voluntarily turned it off."

Me: "And the other option was what? Leave it on so it could pour into my downstairs neighbor's unit all night long??"

It was a fight but they finally did pay.

A tip: insurance companies always have a weird out. Like, it was the water line to the fridge that broke. They would have covered the ice line, but not the water line, but isn't I've water first? There is no such thing as an ice line. Fine print is so weird.

Anyway. Memories!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

It's not like I'm not going to find out!

Eye tech: "Okay put your chin here in this thing and don't blink. I have to measure something."

Me: "Is that thing going to touch my eyeball?"

Tech: "No." [Proceeds to touch eyeball.]

Why LIE? Did they think I wasn't going to notice??

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

My to do list:

-- Hem the overly long curtains downstairs by ripping the shit out of them and then ironing on cheap ass hem iron-on hem tape because I am sure as fuck not taking them off the curtain rod now after all that work.

-- Hem the bedroom curtains BEFORE putting them up because, well, lessons.

-- Buy low VOC paint so no one dies of fumes when painting teen's room.

-- Sneak the final 8,000 cardboard moving boxes to recycling and hope the little old lady living next to it doesn't peak out like every other time and scold me for not getting the exact placement on the curb just right.

-- Accept that buying extra curtain clips for $2.99 from Ikea isn't worth the trouble returning them. (Heck, I would PAY someone that amount to just avoid setting foot in there.)

-- Assemble last piece of cheap and shitty furniture.

-- Spackle and sand the shit out of the drywall over the kitchen sink in last-ditch attempt to smooth out the botched plumbing disaster. If this fifth time doesn't work, then learn how to install a tile backsplash.

-- Buy a new blanket that is actually fucking wide enough for two fucking people.

-- Re-integrate into society.