Tuesday, October 4, 2016

My to do list:

-- Hem the overly long curtains downstairs by ripping the shit out of them and then ironing on cheap ass hem iron-on hem tape because I am sure as fuck not taking them off the curtain rod now after all that work.

-- Hem the bedroom curtains BEFORE putting them up because, well, lessons.

-- Buy low VOC paint so no one dies of fumes when painting teen's room.

-- Sneak the final 8,000 cardboard moving boxes to recycling and hope the little old lady living next to it doesn't peak out like every other time and scold me for not getting the exact placement on the curb just right.

-- Accept that buying extra curtain clips for $2.99 from Ikea isn't worth the trouble returning them. (Heck, I would PAY someone that amount to just avoid setting foot in there.)

-- Assemble last piece of cheap and shitty furniture.

-- Spackle and sand the shit out of the drywall over the kitchen sink in last-ditch attempt to smooth out the botched plumbing disaster. If this fifth time doesn't work, then learn how to install a tile backsplash.

-- Buy a new blanket that is actually fucking wide enough for two fucking people.

-- Re-integrate into society.

Friday, September 30, 2016

They are scientific articles, I swear

Facebook likes to remind you when you've saved articles to read later. Note to self: don't glance at it when anyone might be looking over your shoulder....

Sunday, September 11, 2016

10 lessons for wedding day

So, I got married!


1. Never try a new hairdo on your wedding day. It will suck and you will hate it and look ugly but not want to offend your BFF who painstakingly curled every strand. The photographic repercussions of your unwillingness to hurt feelings will last decades.

2. Learn which poses look good and which make you look like a walrus so you do not intermingle the two. (See #1 on photographic repercussions.)

3. It will be a huge blur and you won't talk to everyone nearly as much as you wish.

4. Check the hotel room's alarm clock to make sure it's not set for asscrack of dawn disrupting beauty sleep!!

5. Hold the handrails on the staircase and not JUST the dress.

6. People will congratulate you on life milestones and you will feel happy and overwhelmed and then sad that there won't be anymore societal milestones to check off because society doesn't care about old people and the nursing home is the next step.

7. You will order and pay for a plate of giant shrimp and then never touch them because no one eats on their wedding day.

8. All the planning will not help it be less abstract until the moment it is happening.

9. He won't even care that your hair is awful and he will tell you that you look beautiful, and you will ugly cry during the ceremony which will be
captured and uploaded to social media by countless others without having gone through your careful anti-hideous curation protocol.

10. You will have married the best person in the universe and feel like you (undeservingly, but still) won the jackpot. 💕

I'm so happy!

(Sent from my phone)

Friday, September 2, 2016

Moving bites

I've moved recently, kindof. Does hauling piles from one place to another for 14 hours count as a workout? Or is it basically just a hobby at this point because it's happened so often?

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Scrotal Recall

I share my Netflix account with my nephews and I can just picture the following conversation happening at my sister's house:
Nephews: "Mommy, what's 'scrotal' mean?"

My sis: "Um, where did you hear that word?"

Nephews: "Aunt Hannah saved 'Scrotal Recall' to her watchlist on Netflix."

My sis: "Um, I'll be right back, I have to call Aunt Hannah...."

The description is that a guy gets chlamydia and then calls every ex-girlfriend to notify them. I haven't seen it yet but I admit the title was... catching. I think it's not even possible for a dude to even know if he has chlamydia so I'm not quite sure what medical experts were on the show's advisory committee, but I'm sure I'll find out.

I tried to watch Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce and I got so disgusted I couldn't even finish the first episode. I can only hope that Scrotal Recall pulls through....