Get mom something she really wants like... idk, help her booty dream come true? (WTF advertisers?? Seriously?)

So this is what came in my email today as a suggested Mother’s Day present. 

Have you heard of the “DB” machine? I’m not exactly sure what it stands for (except maybe “Diabolical Buttocks”) but this is a specialized squat machine solely designed to work the glutes.

I cannot imagine a less fitting Mother’s Day present than this, because:

A. Exercise machine, really??

B. Nothing says “I love you mom!” more than gifting her a machine which says “I’ve noticed your buttocks!”

C. Not only have they been noticed, they’ve been identified as needing improvement.

What was the marketing team thinking?!?

I just noticed that the small child in the photo probably means the targeted audience is NOT adult children afterall, like I thought, but even worse... This is for the husband. So you can imagine who’s sleeping on the couch on Mother’s Day.

Granted, he’s the only one in the house who’s *allowed* to notice mom’s body parts but not by gifting something that essentially says “that needs work!” Oh my.

"Why is your mic always muted?"

Tubing in Florida waters... does that sound safe to you??

True story, on visiting Florida. 

Them: "And then on Thursday, we can go TUBING!!"


Me: "Tubing?"


Them: "Yes! It will be so fun! The water's so warm."


Me: "In the ocean?"


Them: "No, silly, in a river. It's super cool."


Me: "Um... isn't that where the alligators are?" 

I should pause here and mention that my favorite hobby is assessing risk. I'm hyper aware of any predators in the environment at any time and my first thought, when I think "ocean" is "oh no, that is the SHARK'S house. NOPE." 

It's a well-known scientific fact that predators are allowed to eat whatever walks into their house. Like the famous quote from this lady, "if you're in the shark's house, you're on the PLATE."

Now, sharks may live in the ocean but all other bodies of water in Florida are owned by alligators and crocs. 

I have no idea how to tell them apart and never will unless one of them develops some obvious bloodthirsty characteristic which sets it apart. But since they both have gigantic teeth and stomachs and are capable of swallowing a full-grown man, I can't seem to retain any other information. If jawlines differ, they don't seem to do so in a way which inhibits the eating of people, so my brain has lumped them both into the same category: MONSTER. This is to make sure I do not say yes to dangerous activities, like tubing on rivers in Florida.

Anyway, back to our convo. I had to ask again:

Me: "Isn't that dangerous?"

Them: "Nah, people do it ALL the time."

Me: Are you SURE it's safe? I mean...

Luckily, they decided to "pivot" to another activity instead and I lived to tell this story. No tubing for me! (At least not in rivers with dangerous things... turtles are fine! Even the snapping ones don't go out of their way to attack, just defend. We can coexist peacefully then.)

Stay safe!!

"Support Bar Not Stable" (Really??)

 I was at the doctor’s office recently and saw this sign in the restroom:

It says, “SUPPORT BAR NOT STABLE.” (Why have a support bar that can’t support? But I digress.) 

Anyway, the sign is obviously unecessary, as the support bar has already been ripped out of the wall. They can take the sign down now…