Thursday, August 10, 2017

"We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun" is the exact moment when I broke.

This is from a Craigslist ad where someone is seeking a partner to consummate the eclipse with. 


Hilarious Craigslist ad for eclipse sex partner--with response from comedian Leigh Anne Jasheway in caps:

...

I have some questions (IN CAPS) about this guy's ad on Craigslist: "Wanted woman who wants to conceive child during totality eclipse in OR"

I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure. WHAT PART OF EUROPE? 'CUZ IF IT'S SWITZERLAND, WE'RE IN FOR THE CHOCOLATE ALONE. HOWEVER, IN ADDITION TO AN STD TEST, WE (THE WOMEN LAUGHING AT THIS AD) WILL NEED YOU TO SUBMIT TO A DNA TEST TO CONFIRM PURITY AND A SPERM OBSTACLE COURSE TO TEST STRENGTH.

My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal. CAN YOUR LOOKS THEMSELVES KILL? IF NOT, COUNT US OUT. SOME OF US CAN ROLL OUR EYES AND KNOCK OUT A FLEET OF PIRATE SHIPS.

I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me - to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon. HOW WILL YOU DETERMINE WORTHINESS? IS IT A BUZZFEED QUIZ? WE WILL WANT TO DETERMINE YOUR WORTHINESS BY EXAMINING THE FOLLOWING: ARREST RECORD, FACEBOOK POSTS, LIQUOR STORE RECEIPTS, AND DETAILED INTERVIEW WITH YOUR MOTHER IN WHOSE BASEMENT YOU CLEARLY HAVE LIVED FOR A WHILE.

Exact place not set. WE NEED SPECIFICS, CUZ WE'RE NOT DOING IT IN A CAR NEXT TO A LANDFILL.

If we have chemistry, I would like for us to make love while the eclipse is happening. WE HAVE A CHEMISTRY SET, BUT ONE OF THE TEST TUBES BROKE AND THE MICROSCOPE LENS IS SCRATCHED. CAN BRING A PERIODIC TABLE TO MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE. ALSO IN CASE WE'RE ON OUR PERIOD.

When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution. WHAT IF OUR ORGASMS ARE OFF BY .04 SECONDS? WILL THAT SCREW UP THE NEXT LEVEL OF HUMAN EVOLUTION AND CAUSE US TO GO BACK TO WEARING TOGAS AND WORSHIPING 4300 GODS?

We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun. HAVE YOU CALCULATED THE ANGLE OF YOUR PENIS YET? MOST MEN LIST RIGHT OR LEFT. WE WILL NEED TO SEE HAND-DRAWINGS WITH SPECIFIC ANGLES LABELED. PLEASE USE A PROTRACTOR.

Everything will be aligned in the local universe. WHAT LOCAL UNIVERSE? THE PORTLAND UNIVERSE IS UNIVERSALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE ROSEBURG UNIVERSE FOR EXAMPLE. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets. ALL THE PLANETS? IS YOUR PENIS THAT FLEXIBLE? ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love... OKAY, WE'RE OUT. WE EXPECT OUR MOMENTS OF ECSTASY TO BE LONGER THAN 'BRIEF' IF WE'RE GOING TO CREATE A NEW UNIVERSE.

You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me. HOW ARE CATS INVOLVED? IT IS NOT OKAY TO GIVE CATS NITROUS OXIDE! IN TOTALITY, WE'VE REPORTED YOU TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY.

(Sent from my phone)

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